I haven't been around much lately. (She said aloud to no one in particular.)
All sorts of opportunities have presented themselves and shown themselves to be...well...bullshit. One opportunity was taken and has proven to be of the utmost level of bullshit, to the point where mere survival is threatened. Which makes other opportunities very appealing in a desperate kind of way. Which leads to a much greater danger of poor decision making.
Ughhhhh.
I dunno, man. I keep trying to hold on to this idea that something good is going to happen any day now, and I keep having this feeling that that's true. But the stress of it is honestly killing me. I'm exhausted. I can't concentrate. I've had so much to write about for weeks now, and I sit down to write and the ideas just disappear. I fall back into that desperate, wordless, back brain frustration. Here, there is no cognition. There is no logic. There's just this frenetic, impossible to direct energy.
So much doesn't make sense.
I never really bought into the idea that somehow attaining a degree would open some magical door to success or at least security....at least...I thought I didn't buy into it. But apparently...apparently some part of me did expect some change, some opportunity that hadn't previously been attainable. The past year has been so anticlimactic in that way. After the years of being hounded by my family, of feeling like a disappointment to myself and to everyone else, after finally getting that damned piece of paper (which is now a $300K piece of paper on my wall)...there's just....nothing. There are still no jobs. There is still nothing I can do, seemingly, to improve my life.
We're looking at a somewhat big move to the city....somewhere that might afford both of us some more opportunities. We're not asking for a lot. Just enough to pay the bills and save some....maybe enough so that we could take a vacation once in awhile. Maybe just enough that there's something to look forward to a few times a year. Maybe just enough to feel like we're living, not just surviving. Maybe.
