Trayvon.

My facebook is blowing up with feelings about this trial.  Mostly disgust, peppered with some "woohoos!" and "See, there? Not guilty!!"    I was refraining from comment, mostly because I think the whole thing's bullshit.  I eventually caved and wrote this in response to a friend's post.

Am I horribly naive in thinking that there needed to be something *other* than a trial here? That this should've somehow opened up a lot of things for serious discussion--*outside* of currently accepted forums--to re-evaluate some things we take for granted, possibly without even know that we do so? That maybe, in the same way that Boston shut down after the marathon bombings, we all needed a minute to do the same--to shut down, to cease movement, to examine what really lay at the heart of this? 

A conservative friend posted that Zimmerman said something to the effect of "There are no winners here; this is still a tragedy." Part of me bristles at this; for someone thrilled at the outcome, that's a hollow concession. But a part of me wants to scream that that's exactly right. That putting this through a justice system that we already *know* is corrupt is missing the point: that the event, in itself, is telling enough. That nothing new will come from filtering it through a biased system. That at some point, we're going to need to address the why and not just the outcomes.

I don't know. I suppose I'm just disheartened by seeing the same thing go down with the same responses...over and over and over again. I guess I thought it was time for something....else. Something honest. Something even *remotely* self reflective.

Then:

The thing that the sixties did was allow us (The general "us", the country of "us") to believe that equality is something that can be legislated, that once it's 'on the books', there's no further need for discussion. But the experiences of individuals is what creates any 'ism', and you simply can't legislate that. 

So yeah, for what....40 years? There's been a story, a myth, that because of the 60s, racism does not operate in America. Even when literally thousands of stories can be found to contradict this. We put so much energy into these myths that all the things that add up to disprove them cannot be seen....it's too scary to think that we have so far to go, especially after so much went into something that appeared to be a solution.

I honestly think that all of these issues that have been coming up lately: the apparent war on women's reproductive health, queer rights, and racism, of course--they all deserve some serious sit-down time. Which will never happen. The people who believe in the system do so whole-heartedly, and in my experience, react to any request for discussion that threaten to dismantle by completely shutting down, by reverting to the adult equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and chanting "I can't hear you!" And we on the other side do the same, unfortunately, when our rage reaches a point where we can't see how we demonize and "one-dimensionalize" those we disagree with. 

I've been trying to figure out how to instigate real conversation between people who use not only completely different language, but are working with completely different sets of concepts around these issues with no luck. Hannah, this seems like what you do....any thoughts? I'm so close to just deeming it impossible and trying to find a nice, cool place to hang out with Liz and my dog and let my writing be found posthumously.

It just seems pointless to continue pretending that any of this is doing any good.  All of the commentary, all of the debate....it doesn't get us anywhere because it's all avoidant of the issues that lie at the heart of all this, which is something like....I don't know.  Our fear of differences? The ease of stereotyping?  (Dare I say, the neurobiological predisposition to do so?) The refusal to allow ourselves to live in complexity?

This was not a simple "racial" case--so much was at work here.  Much of it, yes, stems from racial beliefs, but where do those come from?  And can we honestly believe that we can simply ignore those roots?

Too frustrated and too sick to write more.  Time to cuddle with Dog.

Risk

For the longest time, I kept my mouth shut about the things that I thought.  When I realized that there was only like....one thing....that I could honestly see doing with my life, I also realized that, unfortunately, I'd have to stop doing that.  This thing....these questions I've been asking for more than half my life now, they don't go away.  They stay with me, and when I think I've found some diversion, some project that might take the place of them, they come back harder, louder, more impossible to ignore.

When I think about pursuing an advanced degree in philosophy, the thing that scares me the most is that  I'll have to defend this position, these beliefs I have, that are so damned unpopular.  I never feel smart enough, fast enough.  I don't want to be famous, I don't want notoriety.  I just want to figure this damned thing out.

But I know that that requires a certain degree of challenge.  It requires discussion, rebuttal. As much as it scares me, it requires discourse.

So I tried.  

Not in the best way, I'll admit, but I tried to point out some of the logical inconsistencies I saw in  groups that I would otherwise agree with.  Anarchists, say, who call for the banning of teaching creationism.  

I dared to say that possibly, there was a problem with simply banning an idea because you disagree with it.  And I lost a friend because of it.

And you know?

It wasn't as bad as I thought.

I was hurt, yes. Confused.  But instead of making me stop, it made me want to go further, to clarify this position so that the next time, maybe I can get through before the door gets slammed in my face.

I don't care if you don't agree with me, I just want to be able to have the discussion, because we have so fucking much to learn from each other.

hey, jealousy...

So I was at work today, pissed-offedly trying to play catch up from the shitshow of last week, and I started thinking about people who I used to work with, who I used to go to school with.  I tried to fight it; this is never a good topic for the ol' brain to land on.

Everyone I know, seemingly, is doing fucking amazing shit.  Going to med school, already pediatric RNs saving babies with cancer, lawyers, getting their Ph.d in education, their MA in education, in sustainable agriculture, in social work, in whatever....

And I know I should be proud of them, but damn.  I just get angry.  Jealous.  Angry and jealous...what the hell is that about?  My life has not been a smooth ride.  I thought I had it figured out...I had been reading psychology texts since I was 11...it only made sense that that's where I would end up, right?

Yeah.

I learned this lesson that it seems like no one else learned in college.  I learned that success was about toeing a philosophical/political line.  I learned that psychology, as a field, was about falling into lockstep with theories and treatments that were sanctioned by those on high, and much less about helping people actually overcome these mental issues that paralyzed them.

It all seemed like bullshit.

And so I dropped out.  At first, it was more of a mental checkout.  I let myself get distracted by music, by lovers, by social crap.  And then, of course, I was "asked to leave" because my grades were so bad. One year left, and I just couldn't do it.

So I left.  I worked shit jobs, found and lost a career, worked more crap jobs.  And in all of this, where it seems that everyone else found answers, I found more questions.

I don't know how people land on careers.  How do you accept all the crap?  How do you wade through the politics, the obvious compromising of your own values, to find success?  I can't do it.

And so I'm jealous.  I want to feel fucking successful.  I want to be comfortable, financially.  I wish I could just...fucking do it.  I just can't seem to get out of my own way, and I suppose, that's the worst part of this mind-numbing jealousy.  It's jealousy, but then it's also self-loathing, frustration.  Blah blah blah.

I'm sorry.   It seems that everything I write here is so depressing.  I'm working on turning it around.  I need to figure out a way to see my path more clearly, there's just so much crap in the way that I have to clear out first.   How did you find yours?   How did you know?  How do you stay on it?