hey, jealousy...

So I was at work today, pissed-offedly trying to play catch up from the shitshow of last week, and I started thinking about people who I used to work with, who I used to go to school with.  I tried to fight it; this is never a good topic for the ol' brain to land on.

Everyone I know, seemingly, is doing fucking amazing shit.  Going to med school, already pediatric RNs saving babies with cancer, lawyers, getting their Ph.d in education, their MA in education, in sustainable agriculture, in social work, in whatever....

And I know I should be proud of them, but damn.  I just get angry.  Jealous.  Angry and jealous...what the hell is that about?  My life has not been a smooth ride.  I thought I had it figured out...I had been reading psychology texts since I was 11...it only made sense that that's where I would end up, right?

Yeah.

I learned this lesson that it seems like no one else learned in college.  I learned that success was about toeing a philosophical/political line.  I learned that psychology, as a field, was about falling into lockstep with theories and treatments that were sanctioned by those on high, and much less about helping people actually overcome these mental issues that paralyzed them.

It all seemed like bullshit.

And so I dropped out.  At first, it was more of a mental checkout.  I let myself get distracted by music, by lovers, by social crap.  And then, of course, I was "asked to leave" because my grades were so bad. One year left, and I just couldn't do it.

So I left.  I worked shit jobs, found and lost a career, worked more crap jobs.  And in all of this, where it seems that everyone else found answers, I found more questions.

I don't know how people land on careers.  How do you accept all the crap?  How do you wade through the politics, the obvious compromising of your own values, to find success?  I can't do it.

And so I'm jealous.  I want to feel fucking successful.  I want to be comfortable, financially.  I wish I could just...fucking do it.  I just can't seem to get out of my own way, and I suppose, that's the worst part of this mind-numbing jealousy.  It's jealousy, but then it's also self-loathing, frustration.  Blah blah blah.

I'm sorry.   It seems that everything I write here is so depressing.  I'm working on turning it around.  I need to figure out a way to see my path more clearly, there's just so much crap in the way that I have to clear out first.   How did you find yours?   How did you know?  How do you stay on it?